


Make Way for the Clown

by KChasm



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Gen, alignment flip, not the Jester, not the Jokester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 11:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11183973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KChasm/pseuds/KChasm
Summary: In another world, Gotham City has a different protector. He's a real hoot.





	Make Way for the Clown

_Honey, I’m ho-ome!_

Well, phooey. There I was, looking forward to a new mug in the rogues’ gallery, and what do I find? Nothing but a loose conglomeration of entry-level thugs. With all the effort I put into my entrance, the least one of you could do is be a supervillain. Where’s the personality? The backstory? You’re not even wearing matching outfits, for crying out loud—

Hoo-hoo-hoo! Going for the guns already, boys? Now see, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Where’s the _imagination_? Any idiot can fire a gun—it takes a real idiot to stick to _theme_. Do you know how much practice it takes to properly fling a razor-edged playing card?

Oh, stop screaming, you big baby. It’s just a little nick. You ought to be glad I didn’t take the finger off. You’ve got ten! You can spare them!

Now, where was I before I was so _rudely_ interrupted? Oh, yes! You seeee, when I heard about someone hitting the Gotham Merchants Bank right under ol’ Jimmy Gordon’s nose—heh-heh-heh. I’ll give you this, boys, you did a fair job of piquing my interest. ‘Finally,’ I said. ‘ _Finally_ —someone who’s got it together in this madhouse. Someone who _knows what they’re doing_. It won’t be pursesnatchers and wifebeaters tonight!’

Not that I’ve got anything against pursesnatchers. Some of my best friends are pursesnatchers! It’s just that there’s only so many liquored-up switchblade-fumbling would-be street thieves you can string up by the ankles before it all turns to drudgework.

Heck, I’ll give you another. You guys weren’t too bad, throwing Gotham’s finest off your trail. Even had poor Jimmy G. tearing out his hair, and the man actually rose to his position on merit—in _this_ city! How’s _that_ for a punchline?

No?

Tough crowd. And you’ve got a little something right there—ha ha! Got your nose! Don’t worry, that’ll pop _right_ back into shape. It’ll hurt like the dickens when you do it, of course. Ahahahahaha!

But you know, once you had _me_ looking into your little escapade, it was all over. Oh, sure, you were clever enough to run rings around ol’ Gordo—I _said_ that already, didn’t I? Don’t be greedy—but oh, the poor sap’s such a _cop_. Good at following a trail, but ask the man to think _sideways_ and watch his brain fizzle out his ears. On the other hand (ooh! _Speaking_ of other hands—hope you didn’t play the piano), you’ve got _me_. Handsome _and_ brilliant. Want to know how I tracked you down?

It was _simple_ , really. So simple, only a genius fellow like me could’ve caught it. Now, Gotham Merchants Bank—there’s ‘Gotham,’ which is _here_ , so I knew you couldn’t have skipped town yet. And then ‘Bank,’ so I knew you were out somewhere at the water’s edge. And then all I had left was that pesky ‘M,’ and with all the running around I’ve done all day, did you think I’d hike all the way over to Mooney Bridge? I’d have to be _mad_! So it had to be Miller Harbor. _See?_

No? That one not doing it for you? Heh heh heh—alright, how about this one? _You’re_ a criminal, aren’t you? Only a common one, of course, but beggars can’t be choosers. Still, even _you_ know what an alibi’s worth. Can’t be in two places at once! Not without a hacksaw, anyway. But I digress— _you_ knew about alibis, and _I_ knew about alibis, and I knew _you_ knew about alibis, so all I had to do was look for the fellow who couldn’t _possibly_ have robbed the bank at the time—and there you were! Really, sometimes I make it look too easy.

Hm? Not going for that one, either? Tsk—you ought to be _grateful_! Do you know how many criminal masterminds would kill for a multiple-choice denouement? _Literally!_ And let me tell you, buddy—heh heh heh heh—you’re no mastermind.

Alright, alright, I’m a showman, if nothing else—tell me if you’ve heard this one before. See, you weren’t half as clever as you thought you were. The way you planned your big event—I knew which bank you were going to hit before you even scoped the place! But like I said—heh heh heh—you _piqued my interest_. And it’s all been so _boring_ , lately. Drunken assaults and alleyway muggings— _yawn_.

I _let_ you do it. And then, once the job was done—well, all _you_ wild bunch did was cool your heels in your mookcave. Quelle disappointment! This time the joke’s on _me_ , I suppose.

What do you think about that?

Heh heh heh...you’re right. That’s a bit _too_ crazy, even for me! Better stick with the one about the alibis.

And would you listen to those sirens! That’ll be ol’ Jimbo and his boys in blue now. And what do you want to bet they’ve brought enough cars for everyone? You just sit tight, and you’ll be trading in this zip tie for a pair of shiny bracelets. I don’t think I’ll see you again, will I?

 _Will_ I?

I didn’t think so.

Well, ta. Do tell Jamesy that I miss our little rooftop chats. It just isn’t the same since he made commish...


End file.
